Expectations

Originally I had posted my feelings and thoughts on instagram, which is where I enjoy putting myself out there, but I felt that these thoughts deserved some more explanation than what I had wanted to do at the time. So if you liked that update and I deleted it I apologize, I intentionally took it down. 

For me part of dealing with depression, anxiety and weight issues means I need to learn to have integrity to myself. I owe my self to be honest when things just aren't going right and to dig into what caused things to go wrong then find ways to fix it. 

Confession time: 

For about 3 weeks I haven't been taking the meds that help me keep my emotions in check. Why you might ask? Well to be honest I felt strong enough to do it on my own without them controlling my mind. There is the old adage that says the best recipe for mental illness is physical activity. I've been having much more physical activity lately and bygone it was time for my head to join in on the fun.  

When I first started taking the medicine it was great because I helped provide a buffer for my emotions and mind, it was like going bumper bowling for my feelings. Through the process of change I felt like my mental weaknesses were a matter of my body over my mind meaning. To me that meant that if I was looking and feeling as great as I was then in could be in control of my own mind. I WAS WRONG!

Since my last weigh in over been on a slippery slope downhill in almost all aspects of my life. I want to make excuses like it wasn't the numbers that I had hoped it would be, how busy I've been, etc. but really it's 100% on me. This is my journey and no one can take it for me, I have to take it for myself. 

This weekend being surrounded by family for 3 days had me terrified of what people would see in me or say. Part of my worse fears came true, no one, not a single person said shit to me about how I looked, how things were going or how proud of me they were. It's not there fault I'm off me meds so I'm more prone to feeling upset by these things but it hurt. I've been lucky to have a very supportive wife and a mother who constantly talks to me about it, but damn it I want others to be vocal.

I guess I need to shake it off, tighten down the boot straps and kick some ass again. #whatsyourwhy #bethechangeyouwanttosee

Flashpoint?!?

 Flashpoint: what it is to me, why I named my blog this strange title, and getting deeper understanding. 

In this post I hope to expose some of my inner feelings behind the title I selected for this blog. Flashpoint to me has several different meanings and purposes. You have the classic dictionary definition which defines it as the following:

Definition of FLASH POINT

1. 1:  the lowest temperature at which vapors above a volatile combustible substance ignite in air when exposed to flame

2. 2:  a point at which someone or something bursts suddenly into action or being

The first definition is interesting but doesn’t convey the meaning I hope for my blog and where I’m at in my life. The second one is one part of the answer to the titles meaning. I was at a point where I had literally 2 choices, I could keep wallowing in my depression/anxiety and keep gaining weight and being generally unhappy with life or I could chose to burst into action and make a change. I went for the later. 

The second part of what flashpoint means to me comes from an alternate timeline created by DC Comics The Flash. “In the Flashpoint comic, Barry Allen wakes up powerless and living in a different, much darker world than the one he knows. Heroes are villains, villains are heroes, and worst of all, Themyscira and Atlantis are waging a brutal war with each other that has caused millions of deaths and is likely to bring about the end of the world. The one bright spot for Barry is that his mother is still alive, but even his joy at seeing her doesn’t stop him from wanting to return to the world he knows. Without spoiling too many of the details, Barry eventually learns that he created this world when he went back in time and prevented his mother’s murder, albeit with a little prodding from the Reverse-Flash.” Source (http://www.dccomics.com/blog/2016/10/03/dc-comics-101-why-is-flashpoint-so-important) More to come on how this matters soon.

There literally was a day when enough was enough and it was time to make a change. I don’t remember the specific date, I wish I could to be honest. But it happened while I was attending therapy for my emotions.  But everything over 2 years had finally built up to the point where the fuel combusted and it just clicked. 

There’s a common concept that most trainers use to help their clients reach their maximum potential and ignite the fire. The concept is individual to each person but it becomes their “why.” In most cases the why should be something internal that motivates them, yes you could say selfish reasons, and not something external. External reasons come and go way to easy but if there’s something that motivates you from your own person it will be stronger. Your why will change over time and should be adjusted. I’ll be honest, I haven’t fully found my why yet. I’ve found lots of why’s but not a single defining why to fee the fuel. 

For so many years of my life my why was selfish and self-serving, especially as a teenager. I lifted weights and ran so I could be bigger, faster and stronger than everyone else on the football field. I was in love with the idea of being the popular guy with all the friends would bring me happiness in life. What happened was what happens to the vast majority of athletes: the glory fades, you lose friends, and you gain weight because you aren’t as active as you once were, you get injured and that leads to depression. Self-Serving why’s will never be long lasting motivators in life, they are good for small feats but should never be your sole why. 

As promised I’m coming back to The Flash and his Flashpoint Crisis. In the original Flash time line The Flash is consumed with guilt and desire to save his mother from dying. She was killed right in front of his eyes and no one believed him. His sole purpose of being as a superhero is to be able to go back and right that wrong at whatever cost. Throughout his history he ignores the pleas of his friends to have him go back in time to save their loved ones because he’s worried about the ramifications of altering the timeline. But when it comes to him saving his mother it doesn’t matter what he does to the timeline, all that matters is his happiness. He goes back in the past, saves his mom and in doing so wreaks havoc to reality; so much so that a whole new universe/timeline is created. People’s lives have been wrecked all for him to be happy. He later learns that this timeline is not good for the universe and that he must find a way to right his wrong. 

Much like The Flash in my journey to weight loss and finding myself again my why was not internal but external. At first my why was because I was being a terrible husband, father, son, brother, etc. I wanted to be my best self. Be the person that those I love deserved.  It was great at first! I dropped quite a bit of weight and energy but after a few weeks I noticed that wasn’t enough for me. The number on the scale became my enemy because I was no longer enough for those people.

So that is why I titled my blog as Flashpoint- Never back Down. I’ve ignited the fire to change and must continue to feed that desire with good why’s, ones that will last. I can’t allow myself to become like The Flash and create a new alternate timeline, or life. My past needs to stay in the past and I’ll never be able to outrun it. I can only look forward and run towards a better why! 

To my wife

Monday as I was driving to the gym listening to my Spotify playlist a song came on and the words hit home how important this letter is for me. The song Lose Yourself by Eminem starts off with him talking and calling his listeners out. Do you take your shot or do let it go?

Look
If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture it
Or just let it slip?

 What do you say to the person that gave you everything they had and more? That’s the dilemma I’ve found myself in over the last few days as I’ve sat back and contemplated what I could/would say to my wife for all her support and putting up with me. I owe everything I am, was and will be to her, so I hope I can put my thoughts and feelings into this letter.

Mackenzie in trying to help me find myself, you lost yourself as well. I can’t fathom how many times you must have wanted to pull the plug on our marriage, how much time you spent worrying about me and our future, and doing this all while juggling the rest of our life. I owe you so much more than I can ever attempt to understand, it would be like trying to count the stars in the sky.

Missed connection: I believe the date was Feb. 10th 2005. We saw each other at the dance but we both weren’t ready for something magical to happen. You had just turned 22 the week before. We had seen each other before but never really paid attention to each other, what a mistake.

That was the first of many times where I failed to see how beautiful you are inside and out. You give everything you have and then some for your family. There is nothing you aren’t willing to do for us, I worry that sometimes I take advantage of that trait. I know that if I push you hard enough on something you will cave to make me happy. No matter what the cost is for you. It’s wrong of me to do so.

Thank you! I can’t say that big enough or loud enough. You have always been by my side through thick and thin. When we married I never understood what it meant by us being partners, helpmates and soulmates. I think I’m starting to understand that more because of what the past few years has done to for/to us.

I know in being there for me you lost part of yourself. I now carry the charge to help you find that piece of yourself and put it into place. I won’t quit until you can be your best self again. I’ll be that rock that you deserve so much, the one that you can lean on when things get hard.
You saw something was broken in me long before I could see it. I wasn’t ready to face up to the fact that I was harboring so much negative energy that I had allowed to build and fester. The fact that you forced me to go see doctors to get medicine to get my emotions back under control, went to the bishop to get me help with some counseling, reached out to Bruce to get me losing weight; all of that happened because you were the force pushing from behind. The wind in my sail.  You didn’t just push me there but when I was going through all this you offered to hold my hand through all of it. You really were/are my best friend.

I know the last few years haven’t been easy, heck they’ve been hell at times. I know that at some point we will look back and see what these 2 years have done for our lives and be happy that we went through them and came out the other side. Thank you for all that you do and did for me. I love you with every fiber of my being. I will be there for you as you continue your journey to finding who you are and becoming the woman you want to be, whatever it takes.

An Open Letter to Chris and Heidi Powell

Today marks nearly 6 weeks done in my transformation boot camp. Over the last several days I've sat back and had time to reflect on my journey over the past few years and feel like I owe several people thank you messages. I decided to start with what I believe was the easiest letter to write. Below is the letter I wrote.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Chris and Heidi,

Thank you! Thank you for choosing Bruce and helping him change his life. Because of that one decision you guys made you have in a small way choose me too and for that I’ll be forever grateful. I thought I would share a little bit about my story and the unseen impact that your choice has made.

                A little over 2 years ago I was weighing in at over 320 pounds at age 30. I was totally unhealthy, unhappy and tired of living. After much pushing my wife got me into see a doctor to start changing my life. I was found to have severe clinical depression and anxiety. There were days in my life where if a car was barreling towards me in an intersection I can’t say that I would have moved. I was a coward, I didn’t want to live but couldn’t take the steps to kill myself, which I’m grateful that I never did. The doctors put me on medication to help reduce my levels and help me start getting on the right track.

                Fast forward a few months and I was starting to be happier and being more involved in my wife and kids lives. I had mostly better days but things still weren’t perfect in my life. I had a second, unhappy person weighing me down literally and physically. At that point I felt like I would try Weight Watchers and see if I could lose the weight. That didn’t work, I hated their plan, the people in there and the “trainers.” So I figured my only choice was bariatric surgery.

                During the time I was looking into weight loss surgery my wife injured her back and the funds that I had hoped to use for me ended up needing to go to her back surgery. So I was stuck with this burden to keep carrying. I didn’t know what to do or how to lose it.

                Once again fast forward again to 3 months ago. After more pushing from the wife it was time to get rid of the weight and its burden. She didn’t think any weight loss would happen until I got my head right. My emotions were much, much better but things still weren’t right in my life. I spent the next several weeks meeting with a counselor to work through my issues.

                During this process one of the most horrifying things that could have happened, happened. I had gone to a fast food place with my 2 kids to grab some breakfast on the go when an unassuming employee made a comment without knowing their emotional impact. She questioned if I would eat all the food in the bag on my own, but trust me it was much more brutal and unfriendly manner I could ever imagine. It hit home so bad that it sent me into a spiral, to the point where I was on the verge of being hospitalized for my depression.

                It took me several more weeks to finally figure out how to overcome that experience and use it as fuel to change. I was fortunate to have family, friends, my wife and a counselor that helped me see the good in me again and begin the process of unwinding the damages done. It was during this time when I saw Bruce post about a 6 week boot camp he was running, little did I know how much that 6 weeks would change my life.

                I was so excited to start with learning from Bruce. I had sat on the sidelines and saw his transformation. Bruce is my wife’s cousin so I had sent her to go see him at the weigh in’s that happened in Utah, his finale and even watched his episode live with him when it aired. You could see how happy he was in life and I wanted it for myself.

                Money was tight, I tried to self-sabotage joining him and his boot camp several different times. But ultimately my wife handed me the money, new gym clothes and told me to go. That first time was brutal. I weighed in at 315 pounds and looked horrible, to the point I wouldn’t take off my shirt for pictures. Bruce promised me that if I followed the diet plan, put in the work and bought into it I would see results. So I bought in with my heart, mind, soul and body.

                During the first few weeks I saw great numbers coming off, I was looking better and gaining confidence again in myself. I haven’t been this happy in years. It doesn’t mean that everything is perfect in life, nor do I expect it to always be easy but I’ve found a new drive in life and battle to lose this weight once and for all. Now that I’m nearly done with this challenge I find that the numbers matter less and what matters more is how I feel. I love myself and where I’m heading in life.

                Because of all these changes I see my kids, 8 and 5, wanting to give up junk food, soda, and be more active. I see my wife trying to make these same changes. The snowball effect of your one choice in choosing Bruce has gained momentum and turned into an avalanche of change for me, my family, the other people in the boot camps, and more unseen lives. Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I want to say that you started the process of saving my life.

Sincerely,

Spencer Pranger